Psilocybin Trial Diary - The night before the second dose

Wednesday, 5th August 2015

The studio flat at Imperial College

I am currently lying on a bed in a room that's been arranged by Mark and Robin about a minute's walk from the test facility. A tube strike started at 6.30pm today so I wouldn't have been able to make it to White City in the morning. I'm staying here for two nights. The room is comfortable and functional enough and I feel secure enough here. I don't know what to expect tomorrow but I am tangibly excited about it. I do need the reassurance that I won't completely lose it though.

The past week has been interesting. I still feel like myself, I am Ian Roullier, my interests and passions are the same. But something is definitely different. Aside from the dizziness that comes with sertraline withdrawal, I have felt much lighter mentally in many ways. Less serious. More detached in some ways but far more connected in others.

Emotionally it feels like someone has taken the cork out of a bottle. I feel alive, excited, energised and eager but I also feel like I'm slightly out of control, like my energy is bounding out of me. I have lost a lot of my fear and inhibitions with other people, I keep making conversation with everyone I come across. While I'm slightly worried I may be too intense for some people, I'm no longer crippled by second guessing how people are reacting to me. I feel far more connected to other people, to myself as well maybe.

Emotionally things are more intense and I feel completely connected to music and at times overwhelmed by it - I cried listening to Corona's Rhythm Of The Night yesterday! I feel strangely efficient at the moment, like I am just doing things rather than worrying incessantly about them. I am still moody, irritable and sometimes angry but I feel far lighter. Like life is more manageable.

I have felt quite manic at times though, completely over excited, almost breathlessly excited. And I've worried whether it's ok to feel the way I do or not. The overriding feeling is of endless possibilities and a large amount of optimism. My dreams have also changed and are consistently inspiring at the moment. I also wake up feeling rested which is massively rare for me.

How to judge this past week is made harder by the shift in my geographical as well as emotional/mental status. Flying to Berlin for my friend’s stag do the day after dosing, I felt completely exhausted and very weird. I was sleep deprived as well as on a come down mind you.

I wonder if my caring less will put me at greater physical risk. I fell off my bike really hard in the road in Berlin and was very lucky not to break any bones (at least I don't think anything is broken). Was this caused by the after effects of the drug or was it due to the fact that the bike I was on was very unstable and, well, accidents happen don't they? I do feel less risk averse but think I just screwed up on a fairly unstable bike.

It's now 2.30am. I really needed to write all of this down before my 2nd dose but also really need some sleep now. Goodnight. I may write or may make a video for tomorrow after I'm back in this room. What to expect? I already feel like someone has swept a broom through me mentally and emotionally so I can only imagine what may happen.