Psilocybin Trial Diary - Afterthoughts, aftershocks, thoughts and feelings

I keep catching myself wishing I felt the way I did during the psilocybin experience at times. I hope that I retain what I’ve learned and the shifts in feeling. What if I lose it all? What do I do then? It’s important to remind myself that this is my old trait of ‘mightness’ displaying itself. This might happen, that might go wrong, a disaster is just around the corner. But there are parts of me that I accessed during the dosing that are always there, have always been there. I’m renegotiating my relationship with feelings regarding the past and with the knot in my solar plexus. It takes a huge conscious effort at times.

I had a panic attack on Monday night. A weird mix of ‘I can’t trust myself, I’m going to die or hurt someone’ and a deep knowing that all would be well. I flit between the two for a while and just ride through the intense anxiety. It feels like a lesson.

I got angry the other day. It’s easy to think I’ll never get angry again or feel down again – but that was part of the problem before: the non-acceptance of certain feelings and emotions. Everything is closer to the surface now, I feel far more alive in many ways but negative emotions, thoughts and feelings also need to be approached with love and compassion.

Jehovah’s Witnesses come to the door (on August 13th). I was kind enough, said I hope it brought them happiness but it really wasn’t for me. I mentioned friends being rejected by their own families for not believing in the JW religion. I told them just how intolerant that was and had nothing to do with the universal love and acceptance they were supposedly in favour of. When they told me that these people were just ‘bad apples’ I felt so upset and angry – these are human beings that deserve love and understanding. I said ‘You’ve really upset me and I feel really angry’ and then walked away and shut the door.

How does this all fit? I don’t like someone inflicting their worldview on me and have decided not to inflict mine on other people any more – I don’t need to to strengthen or validate myself – but how can I react less emotionally? I wish I was untouched by other people’s intolerance but I can’t be. Shouting at them won’t help and I didn’t shout thankfully. I just said what I felt about things and disengaged when I realised I was getting upset. Perhaps this is why people just say ‘No thanks’ and then shut the door.

I want to be the watcher more often and could have done with being more the watcher in this situation. I felt too involved and too emotional. Oh well, better than feeling dead inside.

I realise I’ve just focussed on flashpoints and negativity here. Overall, I have felt more connected, more at ease, more peaceful and calm, more in touch with myself. It has been easier to get things done – I don’t feel as stressed about them or that they’re weighing on my shoulders so much. I created a YouTube playlist from the dosing playlist and listening to this has really helped me to reconnect with myself and with that peaceful, loving place within me.

I’m still more talkative and less scared of chatting to random people I meet during the day.

I have been impulsively buying a lot more books, CDs, random things on Amazon, tickets to events. Is this because I’m being kinder and more loving towards myself that I’m treating myself? I’m not sure. I’ve decided to buy things that have been on my ‘wish list’ for ages. Everything feels more instant, an attitude of ‘Why delay what you can do today?’

I’ve cried a couple of times, properly, and haven’t judged myself for it. Music has been the trigger. I’ve probably laughed more fully as well.

I feel slightly more accident-prone and less risk averse – before the dosing I would constantly be weighing up risks and catastrophising potential disasters. This hasn’t gone completely but it has subsided.

I am consciously trying to focus more on the isness than the ‘mightness’. It’s hard but I manage it from time to time.

Sleepwise I’ve been more inclined to stay up late (2am, even 4am one night) and get up late. On the other hand, I’ve been getting up early enough to make my wife’s breakfast every morning before she goes to work. If both of these patterns kick in (late finish, early start) then I end up with very little sleep. I feel more of a sense of ‘seize the day’ than I used to and less of the usual ‘when will I be able to rest and take a break?’ My sleep has been more relaxing though and I’ve often been waking feeling rested – a rare occurrence for me. I’ve also been napping here and there and feeling really relaxed when I wake up.

As for my diet, I’m really enjoying fruit and vegetables more than I did before – the same as during the dosing days. The taste seems that much nicer and the sensations I get are really intense (in a good way).