Psilocybin Trial Diary - Day six: Final follow-up

Me and the Psilodep team (L-R Mark Bolstridge, Robin Carhart-Harris,
Me, Mendel Kaelen, James Rucker)

I arrive 10 minutes late largely due to my shoddy timekeeping. Robin meets me in reception and we walk to one of the wards.

I do a few more questionnaires on Robin’s laptop (having sent 10 over the night before) – these are in relation to the past seven days – and also do the face-morphing test again. It’s still a bit too fast and I also get the keys mixed up (A – angry, N – neutral, S - sad, H – Happy, F – Fear, D – Disgust – “Is S for scared?” goes my brain). It’s better than the first time around though so not too painful.

We also do the word association/memory trigger test again, which Robin records on his phone. This involves associating specific, time-based memories (i.e. events) to key words that Robin gives me. I wish I could remember some of them now but all I can remember is the tester word, which was ‘milk’ and I associated goat farming in Italy with!

Robin then asks me a few questions about the music. The music has been so key to the whole dosing experience and the playlist has also played a huge role in my day to day life since – I created a playlist featuring all but three of the tracks (couldn’t find the others on YouTube) and I’ve listened to parts of it every day since the second dose. I’m really happy to give feedback, which will help Robin’s assistant and playlist compiler Mendel Kaelen with his studies.

We then walk back to the chill out/dosing room – it feels nice to return – where James and Mark are waiting for us. I present them with their kazoos (that I bought for them – proper tin ones off Amazon!) and also open mine and we have a quick go on them. Robin asks me what Darude’s ‘Sandstorm’ sounds like when I mention a YouTube kazoo version I saw so I end up playing it – self consciously but not cripplingly (progress!). I think they appreciated them but if not it was all a bit of fun anyway. No firm plans on starting up the kazoo band were formed though sadly! Robin gives me a gift too – the Dalai Lama’s Little Book Of Wisdom – which is really kind of him. I’ll cherish it and dip into it when I need inspiration, or even when I don’t!

We chat through my experiences and feelings during the past week. I speak about the ‘flashpoints’ I noted down in my previous entry. I also make sure I speak about how I have been feeling overall. I’m currently wracking my brains here to remember what James and Mark said to me and all I can remember is what I said to them – that’s really not very helpful is it?! My brain criticises me for being self-absorbed. That’ll help me remember eh?!

I do remember James saying that when someone comes to the door and says, “We’re all frightened about the future” (as the Jehovah’s Witnesses had), they’re really saying “I’M frightened of the future”. I really wish I could remember more of what they said to me. They did say that me sending a link to one of the playlist tracks to my Mum was an act of kindness. I do feel I have to remember absolutely everything though (see all of the previous entries!) but in reality, I should just trust that I will remember what I need when I need it.

Mendel then comes into the room – it’s great to meet him as he has also played such a fundamental part in the whole process. Mark then takes me to a different ward room and asks me several questions about the past week – my sleep patterns, my health, my appetite, my sex drive, my thoughts and feelings.

He asks me at one point, “Do you feel depressed at the moment?” and it’s really weird. Almost like I could ruin everything with my answer. But I check in with myself to see how I feel and then, in all honesty, reply “No”.

I hope that remains the case for many more days, weeks, months and years, but I also realise that the key to maintaining a calm and content disposition is how I relate to negative emotions, thoughts and feelings. I may not be ‘fixed’ – expecting anything to fix me was in fact part of the problem – but I do feel like I have the tools to get on, get through and, most importantly, enjoy and live my life properly.

I cannot express my gratitude enough to Robin, Mark, James and Mendel for their role in this, their help, guidance, understanding and friendship. I have been truly blessed.