Psilocybin Trial Diary - One year on

A break in the clouds

It’s one year today since I slid into the whirring scanner for the second time and my post-dose brain activity was recorded. I felt a bit dazed but I also felt so much lighter, like the crushing grip of anxiety and depression had finally been loosened. I felt like I was OK, like I had more of a right to exist, like it was alright to be me.

My social anxiety was reduced to almost zero – no more analysing every conversation I had and beating myself up for every perceived mistake I’d made. I found pleasure in life again, whether that was through music, nature, sex, friendships or just being on my own and being happy within myself. I felt switched on, connected to the world and to myself, but calm and relaxed within myself. Rather than every task feeling like a mountain that I couldn’t climb, I would just get things done. I woke up feeling rested every morning for the first time in years. I started thinking about the future, about returning to work, about what I really wanted out of life.

I discovered a few months ago that I was one of a few people on the trial whose condition had worsened again within the first three months to the extent that I was considered to no longer be in remission. That said, my mental state was still in far better shape than it was pre-trial.

The sheen and shine that life and existence had regained immediately after the trial and for several weeks after gradually faded. My old engrained thought patterns re-established themselves. I slid slowly towards my previous anxious and depressed state (well-worn paths in the neural grass), all the while trying to stay within that new headspace I had developed, trying to remind myself and reconnect myself (by re-reading this blog, reading Aldous Huxley, meditating, going to see non-duality teachers etc).

I don’t want to be so negative as to say that none of this effort worked, every now and then I would re-enter that present state where anxiety just fell away. But, as I can trace through the various emails I’ve sent to the psilocybin study team since the trial, my mood and mental state have gradually slipped increasingly lower and I’ve become more desperate to have another break from the constant onslaught of catastrophising, self-doubt, dark thoughts and despair.

The insights I gained during the trial have never left and never will leave me. But they now feel more like ideas, possibilities, rather than being the inherent knowledge that I carry within me.

Since the trial, I have returned to work, albeit four days a week, so that is an outward sign that I am doing far better than I was just over a year ago. That said, I have regularly found myself in tears and feeling like I just can’t cope with work and life in general. I feel desperate, like there’s nothing at all that I can do to alleviate the hopelessness. Certain activities help: spending time with friends and family, yoga, walking in the countryside. But I always feel I’m just fending off the black cloud briefly before it swallows me up again.

So where to from here? I’m trying my best to be present, engage with the moment and to be mindful. I’m trying to take every day at work as it comes and trying not to kick myself too hard if I make mistakes or I don’t feel mentally well. I’m trying to keep up my yoga classes and trying to make time to share with my wife, see friends and go for walks in the countryside.

I have the option of going back on antidepressants – something that I am reluctant to do because, while they may alleviate the symptoms, they do little to tackle the root cause. They are a last resort that I will turn to if I have to.

There is the possibility that I will be able to take part in the full psilocybin trial at the end of this year/beginning of next year. Although there are so many potential variables with that: will the trial get the finding it needs, will I be accepted onto the trial, will I be unlucky and end up being given the placebo if I am accepted, will I be able to take time off work, will it provide the same boost it did last time etc – but is this all just my anxiety and catastrophising taking over again? I really hope I am accepted onto the trial but can’t attach too much hope to that possibility.

Yes, I could self-dose instead. But there are not only legal issues with doing that, there wouldn’t be the support structure that existed during the trial where highly trained mental health experts were there to carry me through any overwhelming moments of terror, anxiety or whatever else arose.

All I want in the end is to live a life where I can self-regulate. Where I don’t need constant external help to get through life and to cope. No man is an island but if you constantly need people to help build and rebuild your flood defences so you don’t drown, that’s not sustainable. And even if it is sustainable, it’s not enjoyable. It’s no way to truly live life.

If it takes me several years of hard work on myself to increase my self-compassion and reduce my anxiety, so be it. If it takes several years of quarterly psilocybin doses in tandem with counselling, so be it.

Because while I feel I’ve lost the feeling that I had in the months after the trial, I do believe that psilocybin offers the one thing that antidepressants do not. It offers you the chance to actually confront your fears, to look your darkest demons in the eye, and then to develop an understanding of them, find a way through them and find a better, more positive way to live with them. Because I don’t believe you can ever really kill your demons, or ‘cure’ depression.

This may sound overly negative but it’s not meant in that way. The more you try to rid yourself of something – whether it’s anxiety, negative thoughts or bad feelings – the more amplified it becomes. So if pushing parts of yourself away doesn’t work, you can instead approach them with compassion and find a way to live more harmoniously with them.

You can renegotiate your relationship with yourself and the more insight you have into your demons and your struggles, the more able you’ll be able to do this. Psilocybin (in the correct setting, with the right support), can offer you this insight. This is why I hope for both myself and for thousands of other people that may benefit, that this vital study is expanded and extended.

In the meantime, I’ll try to take every moment as it comes and hope that the clouds at least break momentarily now and again for me to feel the sun on my face and to catch my breath.